One of Those Days

I have a lot on my mind tonight, so I guess I'll take it out on my blog. Lucky you :) I don't want this blog to be the glossy version of my life, only filling you in on the good, so you get the bad, lots of ugly, and a little fluff as well.

Parenting = the.hardest.job.ever.

There is nothing else that reminds me of my inadequacies or humbles me on a more regular basis. And as hard as it is for me to realize it, I'm thankful. Today we had an incident that had me thinking the rest of the day. It made my heart hurt...and gave me a glimpse into the future at just how often my heart is going to ache for my children.

Two things I'm guilty of:

1. Wanting to please people

2. Wanting people to think I have it all together

Sick and sick.

1. I'll go to great lengths to avoid conflict most of the time...I just want to keep peace and have people be happy with me. If I feel like someone is upset with me, it can really do a number on me (inside at least).

2. Why is perfection the goal of so many of us, myself included? When was the last time you could relate to a person who appeared as if they had it all together? Or did it just make you want to puke? Because you know it's not real. There is nothing more irritating to me, and yet I still seem to unintentionally strive for it. Hmmmm. And why in the world do I expect perfection out of my kids? Especially one in particular who seems to have a very strong will?

I'm just laying it out there tonight, and I might be all over the place...but it all leads to one thing, I promise :) There is a common thread. I need Jesus. He's trying to teach me that. And sometimes it has to hurt in order for it to get through to me. I (we) cannot do this on our own. Whether we're talking about parenting or just life. He's revealing some strongholds of mine...ironic since we are discussing that in my little Bible study.

Tonight after supper I had some Christmas music playing that I just downloaded for the girls. It was the Go Fish Christmas with a Capital C album...and "My Jesus I Love Thee" came on. Instant tears in my eyes as I listened to the words. I was overcome with thankfulness. For Jesus, and for his love for me. And for some reason, the first vision that came to mind was my Grandma playing the song on the organ at the mission, singing along. I have no idea if she ever even did...but I could just picture it plain as day. I so want a faith like hers.

So, I'm ok with my weakness...In fact I can boast in it, because when I am weak He is strong.

This concludes your post from perhaps an overly emotional pregnant mama :)

A Few Of My Favorite Things

*my girls

*a beautiful Saturday morning

*pink, pink, and more pink

*my grandma's (now auntie mary's) quilt

*milk and cookies

*baby dolls

*tea parties

*watching my girls play and pretend

*and a photographer who's totally flexible and on the same page and does a lovely job of capturing it all...

this was the most fun I've had at a photo shoot in a long time! no posing, just playing...and eating :)

On a little side note, I'm hoping to update on the happy day project soon. I kind of let life get in the way last week, and we postponed it. I'm still hoping to do our own version and just spread it out a little!

Let's Do This...

Two of my very favorite bloggers are teaming up to do something cool, I'm planning to join in, and thought I would post it here...if you're interested join the party!

These are two blogs I check whenever I have a chance. So, so, so inspirational, meaningful, funny and creative. I'm encouraged when they post. They have this plan to use their blogs for good. Pretty sweet if you ask me.

I can't explain it any better than they already did, so here are a couple links...

Joy's Hope

Life Rearranged

While I'm sharing links...I discovered this blog the other day too...another new favorite! I love being blown away by someone else's heart...it inspires and challenges me in a good way. This family will leave an impact on you.

I've discovered that when I'm feeling crappy about myself, my life, circumstances or whatever, it helps to take the focus off of me. It's there waaaaay too much. It feels so good to stop thinking about yourself and do something good for someone else. Even if this is out of your comfort zone, give it a shot. I know it is sometimes difficult to reach out, not knowing what response you may (or may not) get...but you might be pleasantly surprised at the results.

Now, go make someone happy! And tell us all about it :)

News

Life as we know it...

is about to change!

I asked the girls to make a "surprised" face :)

Babe #3 is due April 30th

We were a little surprised and a lot blessed when we found out this news! I took a test early one morning, totally expecting the result to be negative, and when it was positive I laid awake in my bed wide eyed with my head spinning. I didn't want to wake Mike, and so my thoughts ran wild. Turns out my hubby has some good intuition, and pretty much knew what I was going to tell him before I really even worked up the courage to say it out loud. It's amazing how your life changes in a moment...literally. Here are some of the thoughts that immediately were circling around in my head..."okay, it's time to get your act together, time to get these girls whipped into shape, you need to get organized, we're probably gonna need some meals in the freezer, how are you going to manage 3 kids when you haven't even mastered 2?" And on and on...needless to say, I was a little overwhelmed! The whole time I knew this was a blessing, but these thoughts kind of consumed me. Just recently, I was sharing this with some friends and a very wise one was able to talk some sense into me. She reminded me that these thoughts of inadequacy are from satan...he wants me to feel like I can't do it. But, this precious little baby is from God, and He felt that it was the perfect time for our family to have another child. He has total faith in us, and while it will be crazy, if we rely on Him, He will equip us to raise 3 children. That alone gives me peace. I have felt pretty lousy for several weeks, it's kind of been a struggle to keep my head above water. You don't really feel like a rockstar mom when you watch way too much tv with your kids, and alternate going to every drive thru in town. I've taken a nice hiatus from exercise, and most housework...and so I'm very thankful to be starting to feel human again! I know there are people who get much more sick, and I don't even know how they do it! If you know anything about farming, you probably noticed that this babe is due right during planting time...a thought that totally scares both Mike and I. I guess judging by my last 2 pregnancies, we will probably have an extra week to prepare...but still, it's a crazy busy time. But once again, I'm going to choose to trust God that it will all work out just as it's supposed to. Daddy may just have a couple of little helpers in the tractor with him :)

a little side note: taking these pictures was pretty comical...I had this idea one afternoon, so when the girls woke up from naps we went outside and I was determined to get it done. I put them to work with some sidewalk paint (that stuff is so much fun, btw) in their own little area, and then I started painting. It's always a challenge to get them to "pose" how I would like them to, and Aldyn had her own ideas. Keep in mind that I was hurrying, because I didn't want anyone to show up and see my "artwork"...so as soon as I got a couple pics I thought would work, I quickly hosed down our sidewalk. I guess the guy who was here working on our gas probably saw them, but I was pretty confident that he didn't take time to read what it said, and if so probably didn't care. I just had to laugh to myself because here were the girls posing by these words, but they had no idea what they said :)

not exactly what I had in mind :)

A Little Issue Called...

pride. There, I said it.

(A little background info...)

So, I meet with a group of gals on a weekly basis. It's awesome, and I think every woman should be a part of such a group. It's taken time (a year), but we are able to be real...really, and that doesn't always come so easily now does it? There are 5 of us, and when we get together we catch up on each other's lives for a little bit, and then usually have some sort of study or book to discuss. The study is important, but doesn't take priority...if someone is struggling, or needs to talk, that's what we do. I love it so much, and feel kinda lost if we don't get to meet for some reason.

(On to the point...)

We're reading a Beth Moore book/study called Breaking Free. It's really good stuff. But one chapter that I read last night undid me. It was on pride. O my. I knew pride was an issue for me, but guess I didn't realize the magnitude. Like it's hard for me to tell you that I have an issue with pride (pride). I kind of like to think I can do a lot of things in my own power (pride). I like to take credit for things done well (pride). I care way too much what people think of me (pride). And I could go on and on...

She suggested reading Job 38, to help change our perspective. I'm almost certain I had never read that chapter before, because it gave me goosebumps. Go read it right now. And then ask yourself, "Seriously, why do I ever question God?" I totally understand going through tough circumstances and not understanding, be frustrated, and even angry. And the crazy thing is, God is ok with that. Whatever ultimately draws us closer to Him. But this passage reminded me to trust...totally. To give it up. He's got it. He doesn't need my help. No, really. All He asks is that I give Him my time and that He is glorified through my life. So my mind has been spinning today, trying to wrap itself around this, and being acutely aware of my sick pride issue. That chapter did a number on my pride. Thank goodness.

Speaking of pride...do I have any readers out there?? I think there might be a few of you, or maybe I'm writing to myself. That would be okay too, it's kind of therapeutic for me :) It's just kind of a weird feeling to blog, and then have no idea who's reading it. Don't get me wrong...I'm totally guilty of reading blogs and never or rarely commenting, because I'm in a hurry or don't have the right words, or I don't know the person and feel weird that I'm reading their blog :) I get it. It would just be fun to know who's out there...if you so choose :)

Happy Monday!

InstaFriday

Jeanett over at Life Rearranged does this cool post every Friday...and invites others to join her. You're supposed to share pics from your cell phone that you've taken throughout the week...and use the instagram app to make them look cool. I didn't take any pics on my phone, and even if I had I don't have the instagram app...but I decided to join in this week anyway. These are from my camera...I'm such a rebel :) Here's a peek into our week, it's been a good one!

playhouse picnic = perfect

automatic popcorn feeder :) she knows the way to her daddy's heart

visit with California grandparents -priceless!

chocolate cake from scratch with peanut butter frosting...mmmm

thanks to my sister visiting last weekend, I've been re-introduced to my grill basket, love it!

That Time of Year Again...

Every year I think I'm over it. I've been away from it long enough, surely this year I won't think twice about it. But it creeps up and surprises me, this mixed bag of emotions. After being a teacher for 8 years, (1 at Wilcox teaching K-12 Special Education, 2 years with ESU 11 teaching HS Alternative Education, and 5 years at Holdrege Middle School teaching 7th and 8th grade Special Education) I was so ready to be done. I think I was even experiencing a little "burnout". All I could think about was starting the next chapter in our lives...a family. I remember walking out of my classroom after what I knew was my last teaching day. It was a Friday, and the induction of our over due little babe was scheduled for the following Monday. I was beside myself with excitement, mostly. It was a little surreal and strange, leaving my comfort zone, and not knowing if I would ever teach again. To close that chapter of my life. I hadn't shared the fact that I was planning to resign yet, but I think most of my co-workers and my boss knew it was coming...they knew how we had hoped and prayed for this child for years, and I wanted to spend all of my time with him or her. It was something Mike and I had talked about even before we were married. It was important to us for me to stay home with our kids. Both of our moms had done that for us and our siblings, and we knew we wanted the same for our children. I have felt so blessed to be able to do just that for the past 3 1/2 years, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

But this time of year always catches me by surprise. I'm caught off guard by some little pangs of sadness, and even jealousy when I visit with my teacher friends who are gearing up for another year. It's ironic too, because I don't know that I was ever "excited" for the school year to start when I was teaching. I've tried to figure out what exactly I miss...and to be honest, a lot of it is socialization...being around and working with other adults, solving problems, feeling productive and important. There's always so much anticipation at the beginning of a new year...a clean slate, new kids, scary and exciting challenges. Maybe a teacher will always have that mindset. I have to remind myself of the daily obstacles and challenges that teachers face. I think after being away from it, I can start to romance it a little bit...and it was tough...really tough. Some days I really wanted to walk away and never go back. And then there were those special moments where a difficult concept clicked for a student and it made all of my efforts and headaches worth while and I would walk on air for a few moments.

I wont' lie. I expected being a full time mom to be easy. Now I feel silly saying that. But when I was working, I'll be honest, I totally stereotyped moms who stayed at home. Even though I knew I wanted to do that someday. Weird, I know. I thought they should always be caught up on everything (no excuses, they have all the time in the world, right?) They should always be on time, and have cookies in the cookie jar. Seriously, not asking much right? Wow, was I in for a wake-up call. Now being on the receiving end of those stereotypes drives.me.crazy. I resent the comments about "not working". But I have to remind myself to be gracious...I did it too...not out loud, but I sure thought it. Being a full time mom is the toughest job I've ever had. The toughest job I've ever loved. And the toughest job that I'll never quit. Even though there are some days that I would gladly walk straight into a classroom full of students with behavior issues! It's true, there are days when I would do just about anything to get out of the house :) But, I always come back to how thankful I am. (sometimes it takes a little longer than I'd like it to!) Thankful for the opportunity to still be a teacher in some sense, but in a totally different realm. Thankful I get to teach these two precious girls of mine about life. There's nothing glamorous about it. I don't even get to buy cute clothes for my job. I used to love that excuse to shop :) There are days when I don't even shower. There are many days when I don't feel I've accomplished anything...except taking steps backward or pulling my hair out. But there are the tender moments like yesterday, when Emme slept in my arms for an hour, or like today, when Aldyn and I took our time watching a baby toad explore...that I realize, I'm where I need to be...and I love it here! Here's to another great year :)

My incredibly modest and attentive students :)

A Fun Find

I've been wanting a playhouse for the girls for a while now, but wasn't sure what to get, didn't want to spend a fortune, etc. At the beginning of the summer I mentioned to a friend that I was looking for one, and asked if she'd let me know if she saw any on garage sales. She's good at keeping an eye on that stuff, and I'm not a good garage sale-er. In fact we don't even get the paper any more. So a couple of weeks ago she mentioned to me that there was going to be a playhouse on a garage sale the next day. I actually remembered to go check it out, and decided it would be perfect for the girls.

So we brought it home...

gave it a little tlc...

and found the perfect spot for it in our backyard...

I'm hoping the girls will get lots of hours of enjoyment out of it. It's so fun to see their imaginations at work. I'd say it was well worth 100 bucks!

I must have a little of my mother in me because, while I'm not always a great bargain shopper I do love a good deal!

Back in Business

I've actually been wanting to post for a while, and blogger hasn't been cooperating...looks like the problem has been fixed, so look for a new post soon :)

testing

Sometimes I Can't Resist

I don't dress the girls alike a lot, but once in a while I find matching outfits that I can't pass up...

These two are growing up too fast. I'm trying to get the camera out more often to capture their stages. I'm so thankful for our little blessings. Children are truly a gift from the Lord.

random update

I wanted to update, but couldn't decide what to update about. I have lots of unconnected thoughts circling around in my head, so decided just to lump them all into one random post. Life is pretty random around here anyway. It's a busy time. Mike is in the field a lot, we don't see him much. It really makes me appreciate him and all he does for us. It also makes me wonder how in the world single parents do it? We don't love it when he's gone, but we're thankful for how he works so hard to provide for us...and eventually we get into a groove and manage just fine. We sure do enjoy Sundays when he's home though!

The girls have started actually playing together and it's so fun! I love to hear them down in the toy room during those rare moments that they play together and entertain themselves. Last night after supper they were up in Aldyn's room, and when I went to check on them I found Emme laying down in Aldyn's bed, making snoring noises...with her eyes wide open...I'm guessing big sister had told her to "sleep". Of course when as soon as I grabbed the camera to capture it, the moment had passed...

Aldyn is so fun these days...a couple of things that I hear a lot that crack me up, are:
"Mom, why did you blow your window down?" and "No, I am'nt!" She is also a challenge with a captital C...which means I've been doing a little "Love & Logic" reading when I have time, and realizing more all the time that I'm a crappy, crabby parent when I try to do it relying only on my own ability...lots of prayer takes place...and lots more needs to :)

Em started walking last week, and it is so darn cute to see her toddle across the room. She is also waving and saying "bah"...which is equally sweet. I can't get enough of her and this precious stage that she's in!

I like to bake...I LOVE to decorate sugar cookies. It takes way too much time though, so I rarely do it. It's kind of like therapy for me. Anyway, a friend of mine was hosting an open house for Tiny Hands International, and that was a special occasion so I made some. If you haven't heard about Tiny Hands, check them out here; www.TinyHandsInternational.org. A very cool ministry worth supporting. Such cute and fun things at the open house, which was a big success, by the way.

I made these cornflake scotcharoos too...a total weakness for me!

I always struggle with what to make for supper. Then you throw in a few more factors like, healthy and quick meals, and it becomes even tougher. I love it when I stumble across a blog with a new, easy recipe to try. I made this veggie pizza for supper last night. Easy and healthy, yes. A hit with my family, not so much. I purposely made it on a night that Mike wasn't home. I sent him a picture though, and I believe his text back said something like: "That does NOT look good." I liked it, and I'm hoping my girls will learn to, because it won't be the last time we have it :) I felt so good about eating veggie pizza for supper that I rewarded myself with a milkshake later. Pretty good logic, don't ya think?

You can find the recipe here: http://www.allthingsgd.com/2011/04/veggie-pizza.html

Here are links to a couple of other recipes I've tried lately and liked:

Crockpot BBQ chicken and homemade fries: http://smashedpeasandcarrots.blogspot.com/2011/01/crockpot-barbecue-chicken-and-oven.html

Sour cream noodle bake:

http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2011/03/sour-cream-noodle-bake/

I have been reading a great book with my Bible study group lately...so thought I would share that too. It's called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. A little tough to get into...I'll admit, when we started, I thought "Oh no...why did we choose this again?" It's written in a very poetic manner, but once you get used to her style of writing the content is sooo good. All about being thankful...for everything, the simplest, smallest things in life. I could elaborate...but I'll let you check it out for yourself...

I think that's enough randomness for one day!

Happy Memories Made Here...

...is the saying that greeted many who came to this door. I'm pretty sure it was painted on a decoration that my mom made for Grandpa and Grandma...and oh how accurate it was. Grandma has been gone six months now, and each time I walk through her back door I still expect that she's going to greet me in her little motorized wheelchair. Each time I'm there, I'm overcome with emotion. I can't quite explain it. I love being there - and I hate it...all at the same time. It feels wrong to be there without her, to be sorting through her things...to be preparting the house for someone new. I have such mixed feelings about seeing this house change hands. I know selling it is the right thing to do. No one in our family needs it...it is somewhat of a burden...but letting go of it seems way too final. This is the place where you always felt love when you walked through the door, always welcome and wanted. So many family gatherings were held here...loud, chaotic, crazy fun family gatherings. This is where my cousins, siblings and I played tag, hunted Easter eggs, fought, broke bones, ate popcorn, played uno and drank rootbeer floats...the list goes on. This is the place that welcomed us at Christmas with luminaries lighting the sidewalk, and lights on the bushes. This is the house that Grandma and Grandpa loved because they could look just up the road and see their beloved Bethphage Mission. It's the home we ran to after church on Sundays to find a delicious smelling meal waiting for us. This is where I came nearly every summer to stay for a week...oh how I looked forward to that time. I loved hearing the train rumble through town in the middle of the night, and thought it was so cool to be walking distance from the city pool. I loved being near family for that week. This is where I came during college for a home cooked meal and clean clothes. My home away from home. This is where my Grandpa fought cancer while Grandma nursed him through tough times. It's where he said goodbye to his girls and life on earth. It's where I came when my life was falling apart...and I was welcomed with open, loving, understanding arms. It's where I brought my sweet new baby girls to meet their precious great grandma for the first time. And when our visits were over, G & G always stood on the front step and waved to us as we pulled away. Maybe this explains why yesterday, as we were sorting through things, and someone stopped by to look through the house with hopes of starting their own life there, I started feeling possessive, and jealous...I can hardly stand the thought of someone else taking over. I wanted to start pointing out everything that was wrong with the house, everything that needs repairs. And on the other hand, I can't help but think of how blessed the new owners will be...if they create half of the memories that we did in this home. I have to keep reminding myself...it's not the house that makes the memories special...it's the people. It's only a house for goodness sake. So, I'll hold these memories close to my heart, and look forward to making more. I'm hoping that maybe years down the road, the new owners, whoever they may be, will let us take a peek inside and reminisce for just a moment or two.

Sometimes I ask myself...

Is a shower really worth it?