That Time of Year Again...

Every year I think I'm over it. I've been away from it long enough, surely this year I won't think twice about it. But it creeps up and surprises me, this mixed bag of emotions. After being a teacher for 8 years, (1 at Wilcox teaching K-12 Special Education, 2 years with ESU 11 teaching HS Alternative Education, and 5 years at Holdrege Middle School teaching 7th and 8th grade Special Education) I was so ready to be done. I think I was even experiencing a little "burnout". All I could think about was starting the next chapter in our lives...a family. I remember walking out of my classroom after what I knew was my last teaching day. It was a Friday, and the induction of our over due little babe was scheduled for the following Monday. I was beside myself with excitement, mostly. It was a little surreal and strange, leaving my comfort zone, and not knowing if I would ever teach again. To close that chapter of my life. I hadn't shared the fact that I was planning to resign yet, but I think most of my co-workers and my boss knew it was coming...they knew how we had hoped and prayed for this child for years, and I wanted to spend all of my time with him or her. It was something Mike and I had talked about even before we were married. It was important to us for me to stay home with our kids. Both of our moms had done that for us and our siblings, and we knew we wanted the same for our children. I have felt so blessed to be able to do just that for the past 3 1/2 years, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

But this time of year always catches me by surprise. I'm caught off guard by some little pangs of sadness, and even jealousy when I visit with my teacher friends who are gearing up for another year. It's ironic too, because I don't know that I was ever "excited" for the school year to start when I was teaching. I've tried to figure out what exactly I miss...and to be honest, a lot of it is socialization...being around and working with other adults, solving problems, feeling productive and important. There's always so much anticipation at the beginning of a new year...a clean slate, new kids, scary and exciting challenges. Maybe a teacher will always have that mindset. I have to remind myself of the daily obstacles and challenges that teachers face. I think after being away from it, I can start to romance it a little bit...and it was tough...really tough. Some days I really wanted to walk away and never go back. And then there were those special moments where a difficult concept clicked for a student and it made all of my efforts and headaches worth while and I would walk on air for a few moments.

I wont' lie. I expected being a full time mom to be easy. Now I feel silly saying that. But when I was working, I'll be honest, I totally stereotyped moms who stayed at home. Even though I knew I wanted to do that someday. Weird, I know. I thought they should always be caught up on everything (no excuses, they have all the time in the world, right?) They should always be on time, and have cookies in the cookie jar. Seriously, not asking much right? Wow, was I in for a wake-up call. Now being on the receiving end of those stereotypes drives.me.crazy. I resent the comments about "not working". But I have to remind myself to be gracious...I did it too...not out loud, but I sure thought it. Being a full time mom is the toughest job I've ever had. The toughest job I've ever loved. And the toughest job that I'll never quit. Even though there are some days that I would gladly walk straight into a classroom full of students with behavior issues! It's true, there are days when I would do just about anything to get out of the house :) But, I always come back to how thankful I am. (sometimes it takes a little longer than I'd like it to!) Thankful for the opportunity to still be a teacher in some sense, but in a totally different realm. Thankful I get to teach these two precious girls of mine about life. There's nothing glamorous about it. I don't even get to buy cute clothes for my job. I used to love that excuse to shop :) There are days when I don't even shower. There are many days when I don't feel I've accomplished anything...except taking steps backward or pulling my hair out. But there are the tender moments like yesterday, when Emme slept in my arms for an hour, or like today, when Aldyn and I took our time watching a baby toad explore...that I realize, I'm where I need to be...and I love it here! Here's to another great year :)

My incredibly modest and attentive students :)